Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
This came to me in a dream.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground