honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
OMG 🤣🤣
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”