Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
☠️☠️☠️
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I need a headline like this
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos