Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes