Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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No-one: I can hear screaming
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Personal question. #JustSaying
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!