“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too