“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.