“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
shit just got real
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days