Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Not all heroes wear capes….
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.