“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
X-tra spooky blend
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it