“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
People buying plungers never look happy.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
shit, they caught us—run!!!