HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Unimpressed
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.