“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair