Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Jail