Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*puts my mental health in rice
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control