Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
You Might Also Like
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in