Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?