@AComicTragedy Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
@KeetPotato honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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@AComicTragedy 
@ericsshadow [Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
@Kyle_Lippert My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
@ElKnuckelhombre My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
@KyleMcDowell86 [Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
@PaperWash Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
@MasterOfFury “Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
@Stellacopter Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
@zachreinert0 Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
@jwoodham “You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?