honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*