Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me recordaron éste meme
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
No way!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.