“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Ape together strong
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Ice skating is like walking in cursive