Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You Might Also Like
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I want to meet the individual who made this
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned