“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
sistine chapel
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.