@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

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@DaveSirus

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

@Breadery

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@RodLacroix

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

@underfleeker

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

@FauxFawx

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@waydybee

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@BunAndLeggings

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.