“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.