“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.