HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.