“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I was just discussing this with my cat
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying