Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us


Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.


Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*


Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.



1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.


honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions