Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
found this cool rock hiking today
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.