-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
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just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Try and stop me.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.