“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Every house has this drawer
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
That time Alicia messaged me
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
79.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.