Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
You Might Also Like
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
A family that plays together cheats.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.