Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
This was my dad’s browser history.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.