[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
checking out some reviews of my local library
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.