Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Effort made
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?