Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
This is the one
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh