Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.