Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.