Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
reviewed some movies recently
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.