HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
what’s really going on
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.