Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
grotesque if literal: baby food
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.