Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.