Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.


My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.


Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.


“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day


Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.