@nevernicethings

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

@Puncroaker

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

@Jarhead44

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

@RandomAntics

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.