Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
This trial is so absurd 😭
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Today’s Times
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be