Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Heroic Misunderstanding
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.