hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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Wise advice
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.