hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
m’lady
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
BETRAYAL
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”