@TheBlessMess

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

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@CyrusOMerican

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

@GrantTanaka

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

@GreyDeLisle

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

@Ivsy01

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

@clichedout

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

@glo_stevens

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.