Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I only eat vegetarians.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!