Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Thanks to a fan for this one.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man