Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”