Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
incredible book dedication
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Good Morning.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.