Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this