@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

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@FunInternetGuy

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

@HomeProbably

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@BatBatshitcrazy

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@justatornado

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@Robski_Boy

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country