@FunInternetGuy One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
@Jandalize Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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@FunInternetGuy 
@HomeProbably When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
@AlbertBrooks I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
@BatBatshitcrazy After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
@WilliamAder Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
@JackeeHarry It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
@criminalplaza THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
@justatornado I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
@Robski_Boy Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
@TheToddWilliams [blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country