Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
screw you
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on