Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day


When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.


I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.


After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.


Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.


It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.


Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country