Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.